Why is January so Devastating

me: i was really mean and said i never wanted to see her again. which is fine i just convinced myself i would keep trying and believe in us but i do think she is being unfair and pretty shitty. so i guess i'm glad i said it. it just feels bad. then i got drunk. so no excuse.

svendelvecchio: :(

me: and you're right but man after 18 day six beers and three shots hurt like a mother fucker today.

svendelvecchio: i sorry baby. i dont know all the specifics..but i know you were kinda doing a back and forth for a while
I KNOW! i got wasted friday and was in a DEATH HANGOVER saturday
i was like "WTF BODY?"

me: and me too. i probably haven't gone three days so 18 days is really weird.

svendelvecchio: i use to handle this times 2

me: right? i give it a rest and all of a sudden it's like it has standards of living
ow.

svendelvecchio: LOL
i loved your email tonight

me: oh thank you. i'm glad. i worry about them not being entertaining enough..

svendelvecchio: no. it was great.

me: sweet

svendelvecchio: NEW PRESIDENT TODAY

i didnt get to see it though. i was at story time in the childrens library

me: yes. he is awesome. i am so glad. that is very cute. you can youtube it i bet. is it wrong to feel angry when you are hurt by someone? should i just be able to stop it at sadness?

svendelvecchio: unfortunately...it doesnt work that way
actually sometimes the anger helps
:(
i hate you going through this

me: right? xxxx made me feel like it was bad for me to get angry when she would be inconsiderate or mean. maybe she doesn't do that... it's ok. better to go through it now than later i suppose
although does it have to be during sober sanctuary?

he he

svendelvecchio: SERIOUSLY. LOL

me: she said that's how i'm not emotionally accountable... and i said i would meditate on it and fix it. which didn't make a difference. but now i don't know if i could change that. it seems like a survival mechanism or something

svendelvecchio: hummm.
did she give an example? like how are you not emotionally accountable.
i think your right though...if its something that you think is true too....or if it is a pattern established already in your relationship...it would be really hard to change

me: that is how. instead of just being hurt i skip to anger apparently. she sited when you came and she called that morning to bail and i got upset which is true but leading up to that moment she had bailed on me left and right for a week and didn't give a shit when i expressed my feelings... that is not true of our last few weeks in which i just moped and considered letting her walk all over me again for another three months. then i just got angry when she g chatted me as if nothing had happened... i guess i'm wondering if it is wise to change that. i'm happy to do it if it's hard... well really i'm not going to do much since it's way over but ponder all this..

svendelvecchio: oh. i understand. the whole senario is so hard. i dont really know the particulars...which i want to get in person. i just feel bad that you have felt bad for so long. i hate conflict with no resolution. it actually disrupts my entire being...so i can only imagine how your feeling.
i just remember when xxxx and i use to fight and hammer things out and fight and talk and not see eye to eye and i would just over think everything..i would make myself sick. but then it was like our relationship just took on a whole other life. and why we really loved each other and why we were there in the first place had been lost

me: yes. i know. it's hopeless really but it's so easy to believe in love. i wonder why that is? we are optimistic creatures even if we don't want to admit it. yet another survival mechanism i suppose. oddly in direct conflict with the other one i'm experiencing.. thank you for your love lady. if you don't come up this weekend i'll come down soon. and we can slowly sip beer together. maybe from a straw.

svendelvecchio: YES

and an oversized mug

its true though. so true. it is very easy to believe in love and to want and need love. and that is a good thing.

it hurts sometimes. but it is a good thing

SO BELIEVE IN MY LOVE

cause its real grrl

me: he he. i do. thank you!

and i LOOOOOVE YOU WICKED!

svendelvecchio: xoxoxoxo
ill let you know about this weekend tomorrow
im gonna go take a bath cause im freezing

HANG IN THERE

me: cooly. have a lovely time. you have made me smile for the first time all day. really it was quite confusing this afternoon when i was watching the inaugoration i wasn't quite sure why i was crying. happiness? hope? heartbreak? headache? the answer? all of the above. smoooooch

svendelvecchio: awwww. i suppose there are a few reasons to cry today
i miss our super-hungover...laughing till we cry but have no idea why sessions
those are the best
i need more of those in my life!

me: well i got plenty. i'll send some your way!

svendelvecchio: its a plan. talk to you later, love.

xoxoxo

me: love love

Photo: Katy Porte