my even urban

I am experiencing great sadness today. My grandma died on Saturday and I knew it was going to happen. But I couldn't stop imaging her suffering and my mothers and that was really painful. I went to see her a couple months ago. She wanted to know why I was there. I spent the week leading up to her death waking up an hour before I had to and staring at Bird. She was very sick and I was spinning all this energy around keeping her alive and well which is not something new. Except that it was mirrored but me trying to figure out how to let me grandma die. Bird is really happy these day and it brings me great joy... it probably has a lot to do with the love of Amy and Erin. I drank a lot when I heard that Dolly passed and then I found myself crying on a stoop of a church on Montrose ave and felt foolish but glad. My great friend took me to see all the anchors on City Island today and all of us laughed a lot and then I started to fall into a thick migraine. It was an especially painful one and the laughing hurt but felt full. Erin and Bird lied with me while the heart brain belly pain ensued. Coming out of it I am left feeling all the things I've been avoiding. Cosmo says if we spend our lives living we will try to infuse everything we come across with life. How do you do that and let go of life?